Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Why I'm not going to work on Thursday

This post contains language some might find offensive.

"Why I'm not going to work on Thursday," by Keith W. Hammond

I'm not going to go to work on Thursday.

I know my absence won't be taken too kindly by my co-workers. After all, these few weeks right in the middle of the holiday season at the end of the year are traditionally when most journalists take their time off. Because of it, the staff can have a pretty tough time actually coming up with a daily newspaper. To be sure, I'm really screwing over some of the folks I work with by not showing up for work on Thursday.

I mean, I'm really screwing them over. Like, spit lube style.

The best part? I don't even have any vacation days left. No sick days left, either. I'm totally tapped out for the year. And, until last Friday, I was doomed for perfect attendance at my job until the New Year.

But then, thank God, I found the loophole I was searching for and I immediately made plans with the woman to get wasted at my local watering hole Wednesday night.

My reason for ditching work? It's simple.

I believe that Congress' approval of the measures to wage war against Afghanistan in 2002 gave me the Constitutional right to skip work Thursday.

You know what? Fuck it. I might even take Friday off, too.

The way I figure it, thanks to the recent inventive Constitutional interpretation by President George W. Bush, none of us have to do anything anymore. Apparently, when Congress gave the president the thumbs up to wage war against the tyrannical Taliban in Afghanistan in 2002, they also accidentally allowed for all of us to do whatever the hell we want!


Who knew approving war measures was so awesome? To think, that idiot F.D.R. could have walked around (well, maybe not literally) doing whatever he wanted during World War II. The gimp was just too stupid to realize it! Ditto Presidents Lincoln, H.W. Bush, Wilson... the list goes on and on. These guys could have, like, shot people and it would have been cool!

If I understand correctly, Bush's genius gambit of pinning the blame on the N.S.A.'s unimaginable spying on U.S. citizens without a warrant on Congress means that, basically, we're all free to do whatever we like. When The New York Times printed an article about the spying last Friday, all those tree-hugging fans of "civil liberties" (and, to quote Axl Rose, what's so civil about liberties, anyway?) came out of the woodwork to rank on the guy.

What's the deal? Congress clearly said we could use military action against Afghanistan in 2002. That means we can spy on these ragheads living in the U.S., too! OBVIOUSLY.

Never mind that this kind of spying of citizens without a warrant is completely illegal, as per the 1978 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. Never mind that there are courts set up to approve warrants for federal surveillance at virtually any time of day, sometimes in just minutes.

A few minutes could mean the difference between Sept. 11 and Sept. 10!

You DO remember 9-11, right?

As President Bush said last week, he clearly has "legal authority derived from the Constitution and congressional resolution authorizing force."

You hear that? It's in the Constitution! I'm not sure where, exactly. I've never read the thing front to back. Hey, have you? I bet you haven't.

Don't like the anonymous wire-taps, Congress? Well, stuff it! You approved it! Honestly, this might have been the greatest "fuck you" in the history of politics. Go screw yourself, Congress! And just in time for the holidays! I mean Christmas.

So now, thanks to Congress, everything is game! Including me taking Thursday off.

The way I see it, if I show up for work on Thursday, the terrorists have already won.

Never forget 9-11.


Blogger zen said...

Beautiful! Screw it...I'm taking off too. I might just go lift a TV set as well. I don't want those terrorists to win!

I was thinking about that "or the terrorists win" logic just today. When we readily surrender our freedoms and liberties, especially in this time of war, and in esscence strike a blow to the Constitution and everything that America stands for, are we not letting the terrorist win, by allowing them the power to dictate our freedoms?
(no matter that Congress never declared war officially—you know the only branch Constitutionally authorized to do so)

4:53 PM  
Blogger A Connecticut Yankee in King Beltran's Court said...

Exactly. People who claim to be protecting America by defending stuff like this evidently have no idea what America is all about. I'd rather die in a terrorist attack than live my life under a microscope. Civil liberties are what make America what it is. Without them, nothing's worth fighting for.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Ezzie said...

That's probably one of the dumbest pieces I've ever read.

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet the terrorists are hiding until these domestic spying issues are resolved and then they'll come out of the woodwork and really start some havoc. We should probably all wear monitors all the time and be able to tune into each other and check up on ourselves.

We'll feel more comfortable about the world around us- it'll be like speaking in public and picturing everyone in their underwear. Except everyone will be in their underwear, metaphorically. But, if we can see people then they'll literally be in their underwear and then the FCC will get all up on us and oppress they spy industry and then we'll have to raise taxes to pay for the liberal programs that the economy can't support. Oh well, we'll just borrow some more money. I mean, you really think SOUTH AFRICA will come knocking on our door to collect??

12:19 AM  
Blogger zen said...

The notion that one shoudn't care if they are spied upon because they've got nothing to hide is an open door welcome mat for big brother.
If giving up our liberties makes us safer, then why only make it temporary? Protect us all the time and strip away any privacy we think we have.

10:23 AM  
Anonymous Walt Clyde Frazier said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:08 PM  
Blogger zen said...

Let me make a wild guess....the deleted comment was a hate-filled diatribe against liberals.

5:32 PM  
Blogger copy editor said...

Quite wrong, zen. It was a personal dig and I will not tolerate those sorts of remarks.

5:37 PM  
Blogger zen said...

Do I get any credit for my guess if the dig was aimed at me?

You have a great blog here, it's a shame when people with little to add, distract from the issue by going personal. It proves only a weakness in character and a deficit of intellect.

Keep up the good work.

6:57 PM  
Blogger copy editor said...

Thanks. I have obviously abandoned the laborious "morning copy" posts -- at least for now. I don't think they got any bang for the effort I put into them.

9:38 AM  

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